Lamb to the slaughter

"I wish you'd told me" she said.

"Of course, we told you." I repeated. "We've been discussing this for the last few days."

Each time she forgets it comes as a new shock. "What am I to do?" she bleats and the words cut through me like razor blades. If only I could change the subject but I can think of nothing to say. We both want to go home.

"It's nice here though, isn't it?" I touch her hand lightly and give her my most endearing soft smile.  She doesn't deny it.  "Much nicer than being in hospital." She nods, sleepily. I push away the desire to let her drift off into sleep and then creep away without saying goodbye.

Little Red Riding Hood

I don my red coat and set off down the lane.  I can delay no longer.  Time is getting on. Already the sunshine has that liquid late afternoon feel. It's not cold but as I think about what is to come an involuntary shiver comes over me. I don't know what I will find when I get there.  Will it be grandma or will I get my head bitten off?

I plan to walk to the paper-shop first to buy a birthday card. She used to care a lot about finding the right card and present for her children and grandchildren. I walk right past the care home and sudenly I see her and she's gesticulating.  

"I'm in here," I imagine her shrieking. 

I double back and turn in through the wrought-iron gate. The box trees, standing sentry either side of the front door, still have the twinkly red lights wound through them.  I ring the door bell and someone comes, quite quickly despite the fact they are always rushed off their feet dealing with the residents every need and whim.

I say who I am here to see and say I know where she is because I saw her through the window.  I try to think of an excuse for why I was walking straight past but I can't think of anything to say. How about the truth?

"I was going to walk up to Tommy's to get a birthday card for you to give to Rosie, then I saw you so I thought I might as well call in first."

It works. There's no wolf in site.

"What did you say you were getting?"

"A birthday card.  For you to give to Rosie.  They're coming to see you at the weekend." 

I ask her what kind of card she'd like me to get without really giving her time to answer. I've learnt that works best. We exhaust the the conversation about birthdays and the bleating starts.

"What are all those cars doing there?" I look out through the window behind me.

"It's the car park for here."

"And what's here?" she whines.

"Rosebank."  I say.

"Why am I here?"

"Because you broke your hip and we wanted to get you out of hospital."

"Can't I go home? Will you take me home?" We go through the story of the broken hip again and then again. One of the staff comes in with a tea trolley, coming to my rescue I feel.  The therapy of tea goes a long way.  We drink our tea and talk about how nice it is here. Well, I talk. She doesn't get the chance to do much more than nod in agreement.

"I'd better go to the shop now to buy the birthday card," I say and we go over the birthday card thing again.  Assuring her I'll come back when I've got the card, I to find someone who'd be able to let me out through the locked door.

It has turned colder now and I set off at a brisk pace. I look for a card with 'granddaughter' on it, but I guess in a village shop it is hard to sell the specialised cards.  I choose one with fairy cakes on it and a bit of glitter.  I decide my hands are cold - almost as cold as my heart feels - and I notice the the outdoor wear shop has a sale on. I buy myself two pairs of gloves and then I get some meat from the butchers.  I worry about the heat in the care home but conclude that the meat should survive and hour or so and it is my ticket to leave.

I get back to the care home and as I pass the window I see my grandma is clearly distressed and has the attention of two of the staff.  One of them sees me pass the window and comes to let me in.  She just says hello with a big smile.  Nothing more.

"I thought you were never coming back!" The bleating stabs straight through my cold heart.

I ignore the knife thrusts and show her the card. I tell her I'll get a pen from her room.  She doesn't deny that she has one - a room that is.

As I come back passed the dining room I ask how she was.  Kept calling out all through the night.  I take a deep breath and push back the tears.

I help my grandma to write the birthday card.  I try a word at a time but then realise we need to go letter by letter.  She manages . "That's lovely," I say and I might have congratulated one of my daughters on all those years ago.

I tell her I'll put it in her room now so I don't I forget.
"What room? Am I staying here?"
"Yes, like you did last night."
Her tone cuts through me.
"You know how annoying it is when children use that high pitched whining voice when they want attention."
"Yes," she says.
"That's what you are sounding like and it is not nice."
"I don't know I'm doing it," she protests.
"Well you are."
We go through the whole story again and then I ask her if  I should put the card in the room so it won't get lost.  She nods.

I've remembered the secret weapon in the bottom drawer. When I get back, we work our way through the 'arrow-word'.
"A tree with needle-like leaves?" I ask her. She's bound to get that one, I think.
"I don't know," she whines.
"Tell me that again in a proper voice."
"What d'you mean in a proper voice?" She whines.
"You're whining again."
"A tree with needle-like leaves?" I ask her again.  She says she doesn't know but in her normal voice this time. I'd rather be doing an Auracaria but this is quite enough of a challenge for the two of us.  I keep probing for answers and every now and then a word pops out.  I praise.  We continue.  It passes the time and I can feel we have both relaxed. We are down to the last clue and we've got the F and the R.

"A tree with needle-like leaves?" I try again showing her where the answer goes.
"Fir" she says.
"Brilliant!" I am genuinely happy and she feels it.  I can tell, because she smiles without prompting. I tell her I'd better go because it's getting late. And she says 'okay'.